1. Everyone’s pregnancy is different.

Not everyone caps their pregnancy off with a triathlon

Not everyone kicks off their pregnancy by throwing up every day for 6 weeks.

2. Everyone’s baby is different.

Our baby will eat anything out of anything one could plausibly suck, including Aaron’s shoulder.

But Bjorn does not like classical music.

The mega-eating you have to do while pregnant doesn’t end if you breastfeed. Just now, people look at you weird for double-stuffing your face with an otherwise normal body.

Nursing moms still have to load up on Jen’s cookies

4. Babies have to push their poops out. With loud, sustained groaning, wrinkled foreheads, and squished red faces. It’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.

5. The weight you gain while pregnant can take a really long time to come off (many months or more). Doesn’t matter if you’re a skinny runner type

6. Babies don’t smile for 6 weeks. During that time you’ll be preoccupied with the question: Should I kill it, or should I kill me?

Leda votes for killing it.

7. Mom-shaming is totally a thing. Dad-shaming is totally not a thing. Gender equality is still a pipe dream. Even in really ultra liberal circles.

Aaron, blissfully free of the scourge of mom-shaming

8. Breast milk is not like blood. You can’t just casually take it when you need it. Your boobs are like a pair of monsters that are continually engorging themselves and need to be drained every few hours. In reality, breast feeding is a major pain in the ass.

Breastfeeding made me feel trapped

9. In the movies, your water breaks and then you scream and push and the baby pops out. In reality, my baby came out days after my water breaking. No one told me labor could be 61 hours.

10. Kids and grandparents get along splendidly because they have a common enemy: YOU.


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