The Donut Run 2024 will be a day that lives in infamy.
Or maybe just tummy-achey.
It is a day where we may not remember who won, but we will recall who didn’t lose.
This wasn’t about Anthony winning the Full WUS with a dozen donuts in 48:13. Nor was it about Nora triumphing as our top female finisher in the Baby WUS 3 donut competition. Or even Zach taking first place in the Half WUS category of six donuts. It was not even about Barry finishing both first and DFL in the male Baby WUS category.
In fact, it should be the story of how Oron despite having lived in this area for more than two decades managed to get lost on the way to DuPont Circle.
Yet it isn’t.
This is the story of a runner with a big heart, but a small stomach.
That is right. Michael Bonfatto now goes down in WUS history not because he finished last by 41 minutes. And it is not because it took him 1:34:43 to complete the course, which is just under six miles. Nor was it because he was one of the first to arrive in DuPont Circle but the last to leave.
It was because Michael defeated those Krispy Kreme donuts one tiny morsel at a time. How long did it take Michael? Bjorn sang the Star Spangled Banner at least five times. We saw the women’s running club enter and leave Dupont Circle at least three times. Even the rats got tired of waiting and moved on to the trash cans rather than wait to see if Mike lost part of the donuts.
Yet despite the pressure, Michael never buckled.
He picked up each donut one at a time. There would be no donut smashing with our champ. He would not try it Joey Chestnut style by soaking the donut in water in his mouth before swallowing. Instead, he gave us the full grandma. He would pull off a dainty bite about the size of the fingernail on your thumb. He would then chew it repeatedly before taking a rest. Then he grabbed another bite and another rest. The entire time his left leg bounced up and done like he was having a spasm.
This truly was watching the tortoise lose to the hare. Or maybe it was like watching paint dry. In either case, Michael was impervious to pressure or suggestions. This athlete had a strategy and nothing was going to shake him from it. That White House Tom called at one point to say that everyone else had finished was irrelevant. Michael just kept going.
After what seemed like an eternity, what had been a box filled with four remaining donuts was now a box filled with three remaining donuts.
Michael kept going.
He was the Little Engine that Could. (Is that even a children’s book that anyone reads anymore?) He was Rocky making his way slowly up the stone stairs in Philadelphia. He was the Bad News Bears actually winning the championship.
What he wasn’t was Joey Chestnut.
That didn’t matter. The darker it got outside, the slower he ate each bit. Yet eat each bite he did.
Around the same time the first two buckets of Loose Cannon were being drunk, the perseverance paid off. Michael had conquered those donuts. There was not a single bit left. All he had to do now was run less than two miles up Connecticut Avenue to the bar. While the volunteer crew of Bjorn, Lisa, Martha, JLD, Sebastian, Guy, and myself rushed to the Metro to get to the beer, we wondered what would happen to our fearless competitor. Could he make it over the hill or would those donuts sideline him for the evening into whatever bushes he could find?
The mood on the sidewalk in front of Cleveland Park Bar & Grill was tense. It may have been because the other competitors were still unsure if mixing beer and donuts made sense. Yet it was more likely concern over whether Michael could make it. Within minutes of the arrival of the volunteers, however, the impossible happened. Michael not only made it to the bar, but he opened a beer.
There was a new course record of 1:34:43 that might never be broken.
Congratulations to all the competitors. Thank you to Bjorn for his musical entertainment. And to White House Tom for being my partner in crime in making this event happen as well as for buying beer at the end. And to our volunteers including Lisa, Martha and JLD.
Full Results thanks to White House Tom:
| Last Name | First Name | Declared Donuts | Arrived Dupont | Donuts Eaten | Finish Time | Placing |
| Jodrey | Nora | Baby (3) | 25m 31s | 3 | 42m 42s | 1st Female Baby |
| Baylor | Keavy | Baby (3) | 24m 46s | 3 | 43m 40s | 2nd Female Baby |
| Hauptman | Barry | Geezer (3) | 28m 40s | 3 | 47m 31s | 1st Male Geezer |
| Gan | Oron | Baby (3) | N/A | 0 | 1h 10m 4s | Super Lost Award |
| Weinberger | Zach | Half (6) | 24m 21s | 6 | 47m 18s | 1st Male 6’er |
| Adams | Will | Half (6) | 26m 37s | 6 | 47m 30s | 2nd Male 6’er |
| Wolosik | Antony | Full (12) | 25m 30s | 12 | 48m 13s | 1st Male Dirty Dozen |
| Christensen | Garrett | Full (12) | 25m 27s | 12 | 49m 4s | 2nd Male Dirty Dozen |
| Rasmussen | Adam | Full (12) | 23m 57s | 12 | 51m 32s | 3rd Male Dirty Dozen |
| Hasty | Andy | Full (12) | 24m 52s | 12 | 53m 25s | 4th Male Dirty Dozen |
| Bonfatto | Michael | Full (12) | 25m 30s | 12 | 1h 34m 43s | Record Longest Donut Transition Time EVER! |
Cheers,
Jaret
