‘Hello, Weight Watchers.’

‘Hi, I have a question.  Can you sign up for Weight Watchers to gain weight?’

‘Um, I’m not sure.’

‘I mean, watching your weight could refer to gaining or losing pounds, right?  It’s not called Weight Losers.’

‘You know, I’ve been on this job eight years, and this question has never come up.’

‘It would be the same principles: setting goals, being disciplined, paying more attention to what you eat, being more organized about food.’

‘Let me ask my manager.’

My mom had recently lost 10 pounds using Weight Watchers and never felt better.  I was inspired by her determination to take control of her diet.  And I was humbled by  my Highland Sky experience, where my utter depletion proved that my lazy skeetering at the boundary of healthy weight can kick me in the butt if something suddenly goes awry.   Maybe if I’d had a little more cushion (literally) to begin with I would have been better able to handle the sudden depletion from the sickness.

‘No, Weight Watchers is only for losing weight.  I’m sorry.’

Foiled.

I slumped.

No one wanted to the poor marmot!

I’ve been making noises for a year now about Getting my Act Together and getting back to the magical 120.  Below 120 I become injury prone, emotionally volatile (I sobbed at the end of Rio — the parrot was flying!), and I sleep poorly because I have to get up and get snacks in the night.  But for all my noises for all these months, I’ve only slipped further down the scale.  I haven’t been committed.  In fairness, my mission has been thwarted by a stretch of tooth sensitivity, which limited my intake of sweets (even OJ) and cut off a large source of calories.

But this Summer:

Change is Gonna Come.  No more slacking, just more snacking. Operation More Marmot has begun!  

Stay tuned for the prizes and incentives for meeting monthly goals (I haven’t come up with them yet, but I will).  I don’t need no stinkin’ Weight Watchers.  I don’t need no stinkin’ internet (because 99% of things you find on the internet related to human weight are terrifying).  My cat Leda has hit her goal weight of 10 pounds.  With the full inspiration of the Kitty, but by the end of the Summer of 2014…..

-I will not cry during cartoon parrot movies

-I will not fit into the suit I bought last August that was an absurdly low size and I was convinced was a waste of money because I thought I was just in a weird temporary low point but I desperately needed a suit that looked fit my current shape for my Glasgow and Minnesota interviews, so I bought it anyway.

-I will not have to eat a prophylactic snack before bedtime.